How to make a Sanjay Leela Bhansali film in 8 easy steps

After watching the promos of the much-hyped Hrithik-Aishwarya starrer, 'Guzaarish', you're drawn to believe that the director has reduced himself to formula films. So in this post, I will attempt to lay out his recipe for a successful film (or for a successful nap).

Disclaimer: The idea of this post is to not offend any filmmaker or his vision. Any resemblance that the filmmakers' films have with each other are merely coincidental. So, here we go:

1. Find a human physical dysfunction that is statistically proven to be high on attracting pity.

2. Train your lead actor to understand the nuances of suffering from the said condition (includes watching 'Saavariya' repeatedly to bring out the apt expression of suffering).

3. It is crucial to include establishing sequences which beg for pity, like the lead actor failing to do routine tasks (boo hoo!). But since he has accepted his disability, he will hardly be bothered, leaving the audience to experience his frustration (even when he isn't expressing it).

4. Present his journey from fit to disabled to working hard to overcome his handicap and finally performing impossible tasks (that would be unimaginable even for a perfectly healthy human being).

5. An intimate relationship has to be woven between the disabled person and the one who believed (let's call the person "believer") he could pull off impossible tasks despite his "condition" ('I am a believer' by Smashmouth could be used as a background score for a montage between the two.)

6. There have to be sequences with unusual lights since it gives a feeling that the film has been to festivals abroad and has a global appeal. (This is going with the idea that, foreign films = unusual lights). Really?

7. The "believer" should only much later realise that the incidental relationship built with the disabled lead actor is unacceptable in polite society. This would be followed by long monologues about whether society is or isn't equipped to evaluate relationships (yawn!).

8. Finally, the lead actor has to perform something so mind boggling that it would make David Blaine retire and would somehow prove his love for the "believer".

The End. Difficult to stomach? Well, carry laxatives then.